typical shareholder meeting in america:

ceo: i’ve come to a stunning conclusion, and i don’t want to ruffle too many feathers or cause a heart attack–we know what happened to MCfunky last week.

uneasy laughter

ceo: but i have a crazy idea that i’m sure is going to shock everyone in the room, and i’m hesitant to even say this out loud, but, how about we cut one employee per store and raise the prices on ALL items by a nickel!

the room of shareholders went completely silent, until the oldest of the bunch cut a huge fart. what happened next was a raucous laughter that wasn’t heard since the first test screening of ‘a princess bride’ and a round of applause that was usually reserved for a barack obama speech @ $200k a seat (champagne optional).

the forbes editor who was deployed to the meeting immediately came in his pants and a rothschild graciously committed to buying him a new pair, despite the known frugality of the ultra-wealthy (they wouldn’t be rich if they didn’t know how to work a penny). she told him, ‘meet me on rodeo drive next week and i got you covered’ but he missed the appointment because he was supposed to cover alysa liu’s birthday extravaganza.

she was fat anyway, at least that what he told himself. she was kinda fat by european or asian standards but we were in america and the rules of the wild west still apply. who cares how much money she has. alysa dyed her hair green this week. that’s all that really matters,.

i don’t get angry because they rearranged the store, i get angry because they ONLY rearranged the store so some worthless, nepo-baby dipshit can justify their existence at the company because they came to the conclusion–after 25 focus groups-- that it’d increase shareholder value by $0.0003 to move the pasta to aisle 3

who cares about athletics?

i never heard of the ‘soccer age’ because no sport has ever moved our species forward. i’m definitely over here in 2026 celebrating ty cobb; without that dude i wouldn’t have electricity in my house so i can watch MLB games. the only reason anyone knows the name ‘ty cobb’ is because his baseball card was worth so much. that’s our priority beyond athletics. how much does this athlete make per year?

what’s your net worth???

americans love sports so much because we devalue intellect and anything that makes us human. we even frame intellect as pretentious, like all those depictions of impenetrable silent french films and classical compositions that take a mountain of education to understand, even though both are always rooted in universal, human emotions.

dumb people have always bought crap. just because components are more expensive doesn’t change anything–a savvy computer user is always going to go for pre-built. i’d personally take out a loan before i bought a meta pc even if steep discounts are on the menu.

it also makes me think that all the conspiratorial talk is just talk. maybe all these companies are conspiring to raise prices so they can sell you garbage like this pathetic excuse for a pc.

but that doesn’t fit into the ‘all rich people are geniuses’ narrative. greed doesn’t require intelligence. even someone with an intense hunger and a 50 IQ is gonna try and put their hand into your burger king bag and swipe a fry or two.

a guy who looks like a sleazy wall street exec, car salesman or television producer doesn’t want to tax rich people???

i never would have guessed!!!

at his best he still looks like an aging patrick bateman.

a big difference between 30+ years ago and now is that the lizards can’t hide their tails; clinton and bush looked like normal american men; this dude just walked out of the bourgeoisie salon and has likely memorized his stylist and publicists cell numbers but probably can’t remember the name of his sons/daughters.

i need AI to tell me how to make fried chicken because i’m too stupid to read a recipe, and did i also tell you at some point that i have a masters degree in chemical engineering and i create new flavor sensations for nabisco? keep it a secret.

don’t tell anyone what i’m about to reveal in this post, but teddy grahams are about to make a comeback and unleash some wild flavors like cinnamon/vanilla/sriracha. you may scoff at that combo and think to yourself ‘that doesn’t work’ but we tested it out on starving children in the Philippines and they all loved it. we’re infusing them with protein, 28g per serving and this is with less than 200 calories. don’t ask me how we did that because i signed an NDA.

all the anti-men shit is annoying because it’s not just dragging men but holding women up on some pedestal that they don’t deserve to be on. yeah, we fucking get it already–men suck. women are awful too.

it’s all just internet posturing anyway. i’ve been alive long enough to know that women act exactly the same as they did 25 years ago. they talk hard online but IRL they’ll still hook up with a raunchy, abusive man just because he has a good job lol.

market research firm lol. get a real job.

talk to older people whose kids are grown. later millennials/gen-x/boomers aren’t as resistant to cold conversation and their children aren’t a factor.

besides, later millennials and gen-z are legit fucking weird and either don’t know how to have deep conversations or have no personality.

even if that’s only 50k a year after all is said and done it’s 50k a year where you don’t have to do shit.

play a sad fiddle for all the daycare owners.