It turns out that we’re both stupid. At least where I live, all crimes people casually refer to as “vandalism” are in fact legally handled under the charge of “mischief”. But also included are things like blocking someone’s driveway, interfering with computer data, preventing lawful use of property, and tampering with infrastructure. Which of course can be much more serious crimes than keying someone’s car and can come with significant jail time, for mischief.