…And I feel incapable to change my life in to one that I can be happy with.

Before I get into this I want to say that I have days where I am happy, at peace and satisfied. But this is a rant and I’m going to focus here on the bad days and on the suffering and general ‘shittiness’ of my typical existence. I’m not miserable all day and although a lot is out of my control, there are things which are and I could definitely do better managing my life, I’m not free of blame for being where I am in life.

So then… I have no friends, no job, no romance (never have, I have had little interest from others & I don’t really feel comfortable with online dating), no kind of adventure, little motivation anymore, low energy throughout the day - possibly diagnosable as lethargic, and I am disengaged from political action even though I am passionate about our communist cause. To make matters worse, I massively procrastinate, I struggle to read theory for a variety of reasons and really struggle with my executive dysfunctioning.

I don’t wish to be too open about my personal identity but I am quite heavily neurodivergent and I’ve had depression on and off at different levels of severity for over a decade. I tried public healthcare therapy a while back and it was hilariously bad as I was given no real, human, personal counselling, the room setup was so uncomfortable and it was this lazy neoliberalist promotion of cognitive behavioural therapy. I guess I could try other kinds of therapy but I’m not sure I could afford to.

A few more things I want to say: Searching for jobs on my own is hell, I’ve come to accept I need some kind of assistance yet for whatever reason I don’t go and actually fucking ask for help. I have social anxiety and just don’t really understand the socialising rules so making friends is hell too. The Buddhist tradition has helped me, I recognise it’s been my opium living as me in this time and place, I believe in it more than I am skeptical of it but I can’t really make sense of it and I have a terrible record of actually practicing it. And on top of everything else, I feel guilty for complaining about my life because when compared to others, like the obvious answer to give - Palestinians, I am more priviliged than most on this planet being white, male, of decent physical shape and in a safe area to live with enough money to get by.

I’m not functioning well today and so this might have been written poorly. I feel like my life sucks, I do not feel totally hopeless about changing it but I do feel very stuck and yeah, I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading about my misery. And happy pride month!