Maybe I’m getting old, but given the choice, at this point I’d choose neck and/or shoulders.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy with whatever, but given the choice, I’d say relief over release.

“Hey, man, I didn’t see anything, and I got about 20 minutes left on this shit. Somebody else will probably find this dude and call somebody before I do. Either way, none of my business.”

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Mom.

Wow, I commented three other songs, but this one is it. This is going into my playlists.

Am I Evil - Metallica, originally by Diamond Head

Somebody that I used to know - Walk Off the Earth, originally by Gotye

Common People - William Shatner and Ben Folds, originally by Pulp.

The first because Metallica was just SO much cleaner, second because I thought the song was trash until I heard it by somebody who didn’t mumble through the whole thing, the third… well the Shatner one isn’t exactly good, but it’s at least entertaining, which is more than can be said for the original.

There’s three that I consistently have people who grew up at the same time don’t remember:

Denver the Last Dinosaur

Mighty Max

Exosquad.

Exosquad I watched religiously, and I don’t think they ever finished it. Mighty Max was on every day before I went to school, so it was my breakfast watch.

Them and millipedes are allowed if AND ONLY IF they stay either out of sight or up in the corners. If they crawl across my bare foot they’re done.

I went away for two weeks once, and afterwards went to the unfinished portion of my basement at the time to find the aftermath of an absolute warzone. Some yellowjackets (I think) had burrowed their nest through the wall, and there was an epic battle between them and the cave crickets (of which there were WAY more than I had thought). There were dismembered corpses absolutely covering the floors. And from what I could tell, you know who seemed to be the victor?

The millipedes. There was ONE millipede body amongs the masses of cave crickets and yellowjackets. And each of the others weren’t eaten, just ripped in half.

For the next year, we didn’t hear or see a single cave cricket, and that entire nest of yellowjackets was just… gone. But the millipedes… they flourished.

On an episode of a hospital-based show, a little girl (like, 8 or 10) drowns in a pool and effort to resuscitate fail. That didn’t get me, even with the parents crying. The girl has a sister, who is making a card for the girl who has already been declared dead. Sad, but didn’t get me. Sister explains that the girl died saving her, since she fell in the neighbor’s pool trying to get a ball, and the sister jumped in, pushed the sister out, and then couldn’t get out herself, and eventually drowned.

And I got slammed with a real-life memory. I work in Search and Rescue, and one case my station had over a decade ago was a pair of children that got swept out to sea. Only the younger brother survived. Because the sister spent the whole time keeping him above water, and ended up exhausting and drowning herself. I try not to think about it, because it fucks me up really bad, and especially because now I have a daughter and a younger son. That scene dredged that up real hard, real fast.

Bisexual people: Is it okay for me to have friends?

Not everybody is a potential sexual partner. Having friends of any gender is fine. If you start getting any non-platonic feelings, take a step back. If your friend starts getting (or demonstrating) non-platonic feelings, take a step back.

Seriously. There is no reason to believe in something that not only isn’t proven to exist, but can’t. That argument could be applied to nearly anything.

Vampires? Can’t prove they don’t exist, so may as well believe in them.

Fairies? Same.

Flying spaghetti monster? Prove it doesn’t exist.

Like, I don’t want to knock other people’s religions, and I’m not so arrogant as to think I have all the answers, but I just can’t stand the “you can’t prove XXXX doesn’t exist” argument.

I feel like the middle-aged guy that I am, because it keeps suggesting lawncare, forging (“can I melt and cast himilayan salt rocks?” He did, it was fantastic), silly engineering (“I’m going to see if I can 3d print a rifle that will make a nerf dart break the speed of sound…”), dnd (I don’t even play dnd, and i still enjoy the videos), and Jon Stewart. And… a weird mix of civil rights people showing bad behavior of police, and police supporter showing bad behavior of people (honestly both are entertaining, because police are awful and so are people).

But it doesn’t even try for that right-wing bullshit.

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If I had the choice of the Yaris or another car, I would choose the other car. Because driving that car would make me at least low-level angry for the time I had it.

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The Yaris ads did this to me. I got so pissed off by their “It’s a car” commercials that I absolutely despised the product.

For every state that is below Alaska…

Have you seen Alaska? Have you spent time there? Alaska is crazy dangerous! How bad must your healthcare be that the constant threat of the entire environment being against you doesn’t win out for short life expectancy?!

And Mississippi, just… be better.

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Linkin Park.

Look, I like them, so I’m not exactly knocking them, but a long time ago I was working an overnight inventory shift, and my manager at the time put on a Linkin Park album, and I predict how every song was going to go because they all seemed like the same song.

“Good morning to you, Mrs. Riots.”

“Good morning to you as well, Mr. Riots. Did you sleep well?”

“Indeed, Mrs. Riots, I did. How did your evening fare?”

“Quite well, Mr. Riots. Quite well, thank you.”

It’s only half dog. Alchemically speaking.