Nice you got it all out, now focus on being the person you would want to be. Get a psychologist, read books, understand what factors made how you act, think and let little by little the castle of preconceptions and self hatred you built around yourself because of an incapacity to understand and be understood that was never mended and tended to slowly crumble down.
You let what others say define you too much because you’re not sure enough yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Learn how and why you do and think, it’ll be clearer who are friends and who are not.
There is a path forward, but it’s not the kind you can walk alone, and the more you think you do, the more astray you are. That’s why a psychologist or therapist is important. You just have to believe until you understand.
On that note, don’t spread your misery like that on the internet, it does not look very mature even though we can all see where this is coming from. When you think you’re a piece of shit remember that there are people like trump and people who’d die for him, you can do some good and you’re better alive than dead, it just takes time to mend your relationship to the world.
And when you stop hating yourself and others, you’ll maybe realise all this energy spent hating and trying to understand is better spent on love towards others and yourself.
8bitdo, no other better answer