This post is mostly so I can have somewhere to get this self crit out, as since leaving my previous organization I don’t exactly have anyone to talk to about it.
Realising I have been wishy washy on truly thinking critically about what my political party would say. Between
cw
Sexual assault coverups I learned about recently
and bad political lines, I’ve let myself ignore incorrect lines and structural issues of the party, thinking naively that they were minor issues. I think part of this has come from not being educated enough in Marxism-Leninism, along with the only real community I’ve had since moving being said party.
I say this last part as I’ve dealt with terrible management of my role in the party, and quite frankly I was not in a state where I was mentally able to handle heavy political work, and shouldn’t of been letinn. Further worsening this was a dip in my mental health due to the stress of actually organizing. This caused me severe issues, up to
cw depressive actions
attempting to take my own life
I told the party this, had one person who has dealt with depression and being trans who said I need to step down in order for me to recover, but local leadership disagreed and I just kinda let myself be pushed into more work without questioning it.
This is all stressing me out, as I’ve put thousands of hours into this party with, now looking at it, not much won. I know it’ll be fine in the long term, but it’s gonna be taking some time before getting back into organizing, as while my depression is still better than when I joined, I do need to primarily focus on getting better mentally.
Sounds like the party is the problem not you.
If the party leadership doesn’t understand why you need to step down, they aren’t worth supporting. I wouldn’t join or support a org who did that. The first thing you need to do is get safe, you’ll be able to do much more at lower cost to yourself when you are healthy. That party won’t allow you to be healthy, get away from them. That’s a reactionary party.
Get away from them, get healthy, find a new group.
You’re clearly good at what you do, why not do it for a group that us capable of caring about you.
sometimes the best thing you can do for the world is to get better yourself, i’m certainly no stranger to that. wishing you well, comrade.
Dude, just take it easy and honestly, if the relationship between you and the party isn’t good, just leave it. The biggest problem with political parties and collectives in general is that they require a big amount of dedication, and they end up burning out their members over time.
Jones Manoel, a Brazilian communist, was just speaking about this. Some of the people he knew in college were Maoists, and they always talked about how Jones political line was revisionist (he is a ML, not a MLM), how their org was better organized etc. Fast forward today, most of the Maoists of this org disbanded, and he knew one that joined the (neolib) workers’ party, another who is now a militant of a right wing bourgeois party.
The question is, most people tend to radicalize young but give up when reach a certain age. Part of this phenomenon is caused by the parties and orgs themselves. Most of them don’t have the maturity or processes in place to keep their militants in the long run. This unfortunately is a symptom of amateurism and bad practices among the radical left. Activism is important, but people aren’t simply resources to be used.
but local leadership disagreed and I just kinda let myself be pushed into more work without questioning it.
I mean, it sounds like they’re the ones in need of most of the crit here. Deeply irresponsible on their part to say the least. You are a person, not a disposable resource.
Came to say this.
I’m deeply sorry to hear of your struggles, comrade, but always, always take care of yourself first. Something I wish I’d learned is there is a happy medium between selfless and selfish, but recovery and self care actually must be selfish.
Wishing you the best. ❤️
