This post is mostly so I can have somewhere to get this self crit out, as since leaving my previous organization I don’t exactly have anyone to talk to about it.

Realising I have been wishy washy on truly thinking critically about what my political party would say. Between

cw

Sexual assault coverups I learned about recently

and bad political lines, I’ve let myself ignore incorrect lines and structural issues of the party, thinking naively that they were minor issues. I think part of this has come from not being educated enough in Marxism-Leninism, along with the only real community I’ve had since moving being said party.

I say this last part as I’ve dealt with terrible management of my role in the party, and quite frankly I was not in a state where I was mentally able to handle heavy political work, and shouldn’t of been letinn. Further worsening this was a dip in my mental health due to the stress of actually organizing. This caused me severe issues, up to

cw depressive actions

attempting to take my own life

I told the party this, had one person who has dealt with depression and being trans who said I need to step down in order for me to recover, but local leadership disagreed and I just kinda let myself be pushed into more work without questioning it.

This is all stressing me out, as I’ve put thousands of hours into this party with, now looking at it, not much won. I know it’ll be fine in the long term, but it’s gonna be taking some time before getting back into organizing, as while my depression is still better than when I joined, I do need to primarily focus on getting better mentally.